Whole families on the Internet. Computers. Electronic mail. Sometimes it seems that the world moves too fast! The marvels of modern technology often make it difficult to cope with the problems of everyday life. High tech jobs become sources of neuroses rather than of income. Our computers become sources of frustration rather than of satisfaction. On-line relationships become sources of phobia rather than of companionship. It is no wonder that we sometimes become a little confused and need a little advice, some friendly help to keep us from going over the edge. The word "we" means you, of course. Some of us are perfectly fine. You may not be as fortunate.
Who better to rely on for that much-needed assistance than the kindly and perceptive Ella V? Her wholesome advice is often just what you need. Now, don't be deceived. Ella V is not one of those soft and squishy therapists who will focus on your "self-esteem" and talk your ear off while you pay through the nose. She will not provide "affirmations" or trouble you with endless talk about "enabling." You might characterize her advice as a sort of "tough love." Not that she actually loves you. Far from it. But it's a useful figure of speech.
By replacing technology with common sense, and complexity with simple truth, Ella V can stoop to your level and communicate in a way that even you can understand. By offering her advice on-line, she speaks your language. By using the computer, she makes it possible for you to read and re-read her advice until her sage wisdom seeps through your thick head.
Ella V specializes in advice concerning relationships, because this is one area in which incompetence on the part of the technophile seems inordinately high, but she is not averse to taking questions on other subjects. Some of you are incompetent in a great many areas and Ella V understands that. She also knows that she cannot infuse into her readers the needed quantities of common sense, intelligence, and sanity that are all too often lacking. She must work with the cards she has been dealt. But maybe--just maybe--she can prevent you from going completely nuts for at least a day or two. Long enough for you to get some real help.
A fringe benefit of this on-line advice column is that your question or
comment could be published on the Internet, giving you - in a very small
way - a sense of fame and notoriety. This is something that people like
you may seek. You must recognize, however, that someone of Ella V's
prominence cannot publish every comment or respond to every question
received. There is a chance - a small chance - that your question may
come to the attention of Ella V. Send an e-mail to
Ask Ella V. It just might be
your lucky day!
Dear Rosemary,
I have run into a problem similar to yours. I haven't had any trouble
lately. My advice is to relax.
Love,
Dear Kay,
Have you heard the adage that a woman without a man is like
a fish without a bicycle?
Well, Gloria Steinem and I invented that one. Don't worry about a man.
Love,
From: Rosemary@voglewede.com
Date: Tuesday, May 11, 1999 8:49 PM
Dear Ella V,
I married a Voglewede and had a whole bunch of children
(fourteen of them).
Who's fault is this anyway?
Sincerely,
Rosemary
Ella V
From: Kay - kaywede@erols.com
Date: Tuesday, May 26, 1999 4:56 PM
Dear Mom,
Is a man really necessary?
Love,
Kay
Ella V
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From: Kay - kaywede@erols.com Date: Tuesday, May 27, 1999 4:57 PM Dear Mom, ...but sometimes I dream that I was sold to the Gypsies as a young girl! Sincerely, Zot |
Dear Zot,
There is some truth to this. You were sold to Kevin Whelan and his family as a girl. You were a great deal of trouble. They turned you over to the government and, after a few years, you were returned.
Everything is all right now.
Love,
Ella V
From: Chris - wede9@widomaker.com Date: Tuesday, May 28, 1999 8:49 AM Dear Ella V, Is there any truth to this Viagra stuff? Sincerely, Chris Tingle
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Dear Chris, Anyone with an e-mail address like yours doesn't need to dabble in New Age chemicals. Besides, Viagra doesn't hold a candle next to a good game of cards.
Love, |
From: Chuck Voglewede - MonkeyVogs@aol.com Date: Thursday, June 03, 1999 10:31 AM Dear Ella V, My question is this: Is is okay to get up first and make coffee, then bring your wife "drippings" (coffee) in bed every morning? Or will she get spoiled? Signed, The Adoring Husband |
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Dear Adoring Husband,
What's wrong with spoiling your wife with "drippings" in bed? Remember to add some pastries and flowers when you've been bad.
Love,
Dear Bertrand,
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Love,
Dear Rosemary,
I hate to admit it but I, too, have forgotten St. Inky. And he brought
us so much fun and amusement. It's no wonder things are going bump in
the night. I think I'll write to my friend in the monastery and ask
how I can make amends.
Love,
St. Inky HAS to be patron saint of writers.
No? And it disappoints me that the pope has just recognized St. Isidore
as patron of cyber space when there's St. Inky.
(I think the pope has canonized so many saints, he's forgotten what's
really up there!)
Ella V
From: Br. Bertrand - bertrand@pop.ctctel.com
Date: Tuesday, June 08, 1999 8:27 PM
Aunt Ella V,
Do you handle monk questions? (I'll tell you in advance,
there's no questions about being love-lorn).
Bertrand
Ella V
From: rosemary@voglewede.com
Date: Wednesday, June 09, 1999 7:34 PM
Dear Ella V
I've forgotten St. Inky's Day again.
In fact, I've forgotten St. Inky.
Help!
Love,
Rosemary
Ella V
Date: Thursday, June 10, 1999 9:03 AM
From: Charles D. Weed - CDV7850@aol.com
Date: Wednesday, June 09, 1999 11:46 PM
Dear Ella V,
How many licks does it take to get to the
tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
Charles D. Weed
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Dear Chuck D Weed As many as it takes in 15 minutes.
Love, |
From: JPaulWede@email.msn.com Date: Wednesday, July 14, 1999 9:09 PM Dear Ella V, I was wondering if there is any truth to the adage that red-haired people have really bad tempers, dammit! Signed, Hot-Headed in Hemby BridgeDear Hot Headed,
Red hair is not caused by a bad temper. Red hair is caused by a pigment (pheomelanin). Since red hair is genetic - like good looks or high intelligence - some people have it and some don't.
You seem to have all three. Why are you complaining?
Love,
Ella V
From: voglewed@sendit.nodak.edu Date: Saturday, July 24, 1999 9:42 AM Dear Ella V, My problem is that 2 of my 4 sisters turned out to be lawyers. When people ask "what do all of you 14 kids do for a living?", do I politely skip those two or do I just go ahead and tell people that I'm actually related to my sisters, regardless of their profession? Maybe I could call them "barristers" and quickly go onto my brother, the monk to distract them. Anxiously awaiting your advice, Mike VoglewedeDear Mike,
Your question may be misplaced. Perhaps you should ask the World Wide Legal Information Association.
Love,
Ella V
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From: cyclops@voglewede.com Date: Wednesday, August 04, 1999 10:54 PM Dear Ella V, I understand you have a new eye doctor. How do things look? Cyclops |
Dear Cyclops,
Well, I guess there will always be problems like: when the stars are out why are they visible and when the lights are out why are they invisible
Love,
Ella V
From: marypeterson@sprintmail.com Date: Thursday, August 05, 1999 9:21 PM Dear Ella V, Do you believe in reincarnation? Did we all choose to become Voglewedes? Mary V Peterson
Dear Mary,
Reincarnation is not my cup of tea. But two things come to mind: the only things you live to regret are the risks you didn't take, and if you don't know where you're going you may end up some place else.
Love,
Ella V
From: Birdfield@aol.com Date: Wednesday, September 22, 1999 9:01 PM Dear Ella V, How many times should we wait for Voglewede to be mispelled "Vogelwede" by the rest of humanity before we change it back to the authentic German spelling? Love, Descendent von der Vogelweide |
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What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.
ROMEO AND JULIET
Act 2, Scene 2
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Dear Descendent,
My knowing nephew, Br. Bertrand Vogelweide, writes:
I think the name, Voglewede, should be immortalized by adding an "e" - as in eVoglewede or eMail.
Love,
Ella V
From: avoglewe@acs.carleton.edu
Date: Friday, November 05, 1999 2:56 PM
Dear Ella V,
I am sorry to say I was a little disappointed in your recent
response to Bertrand, who asked about why the Vogelweide name
was changed to Voglewede.
The latter name as such lends itself to numerous embarrassing
mispronunciations, not to mention ridicule. I myself was called a
"Stink Weed" when I was a child, and it was very painful. Who changed
the original name Vogelweide to Voglewede anyway, and what do you
think of those of us who have decided to change our names back?
Love,
Anne Vogelweide*
* used interchangably with Voglewede, depending
on whether I think I might be embarrassed.
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Dear Anne,
I often wondered why you couldn't make up your mind how your name should be spelled. Br Bertrand is quite constant in the spelling of his name.
If you think you have trouble, try Ella V. Voglewede for a while. In my neighborhood I have insisted on being called Mrs V.
Love,
Ella V
From: fvoglewede@yahoo.com Date: Wednesday, July 19, 2000 8:31 PM Dear Ella V, I always thought the change from von der Vogelweide was a weak attempt to disguise the German origin and blend into the "melting pot". Here (way) down south everyone asks if it is German, or maybe Dutch -- obviously not Mexican or Spanish. Get called gringoweed, tumbleweed, voglewhat, etc., too but vogelsheiss really gets me. While a prefect at Notre Dame, the dorm students would sing to the tune of Tannembaum: "oh, Voglewede, oh Voglewede, how we love you, oh Voglewede" (usually when someone broke curfew, or knocked over the beer can castles). Love to all, Rick
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Dear Rick, Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Love, |
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From: MonkeyVogs@aol.com Date: Monday, September 27, 1999 6:24 PM Dear Ella V, My wife and I had a spat, and to make up, I asked her outside that evening and said, "I give you this," and pointed toward the rising full moon. The moon was a brilliant orange, just above the horizon. I asked her why the moon was orange, but as it rose higher in the sky it would become white. She said because of the heat. My guess is that the earth's atmosphere refracts some sunlight, causing the orange color. So tell me, why is the moon orange near the horizon?? Tangerine Man |
Dear Tangerine Man:
Off the top of my head, the gases in the atmosphere act as a refractor of light giving a coloring effect. The gases are close to the earth...so as you look at the horizon, you are looking through the gases trapped in earth's atmosphere and into the space beyond.
So what can she do with the moon? Man goes to the moon, takes one step, and comes back to earth. Get your check book out. Let's get with it.
Love,
Ella V
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From: voglewede_pa@nns.com Date: Wednesday, September 29, 1999 2:08 PM Dear Ella V, Can you confirm that my grandmother has some real estate on Mars? I'd like to see some photographs. Are they are sending probes there to get an appraisal? Phil |
Dear Phil:
Mars moves slower than earth. Your grandmother would never have had anything to do with slow moving Mars. She had a plat on Venus.
Rumor has it that the land tract was in the Fahren Heights on Venus. That land is in a totally worthless area, and is referred to as the intergalactic 'hood from what I have heard. Your grandmother tried to get some pictures, but the photographer got his "ass capped" and the camera was stolen.
Sorry,
Ella V
From: Eek8910@aol.com Date: Monday, November 15, 1999 6:49 PM Dear Ella V, I just want to know why my password to the V-list doesn't work anymore. Just because my last name doesn't evoke the response "huh?" doesn't mean our branch of the family tree should be lopped off! I still have red hair (sort-of) and glasses. AND I think i'm kind of smart. Really! Should we change our name to Eganweide? NOT! Eileen Egan (now Kaelin) |
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Dear Eileen:
We're all in this alone and sometimes when you come to a fork in the road you should take it. We need a password. You don't realize how many have tried to hack into the Voglewede website. Our addresses are quite valuable. You know what big spenders the Voglewedes are. But not to worry, it will be available on Ebay to the highest bidder.
With love,
Aunt Ella V
From: kaywede@erols.com Date: Friday, December 24, 1999 9:32 AM Dear Ella V, Can one go to confession via email? CharlieDear Charlie:
I wondered about this too. I have a hearing loss and I have withdrawn from going public on Saturday afternoons. Especially since an acquaintance remarked that the priest really socked it to me. I was discussing email confession with my friend in the monastery and this what he said:
Apparently, after making a long confession, you can accidentally send the message to the wrong party, including your boss, the entire office staff, your spouse, your family & friends. All it takes is a little accident.
Of course, such things are good for one's humility, Cardinal Schmeazik-Schultz explains, but it doesn't necessarily get you absolution.
The Vatican is considering establishing a www.vatican.va/confession/ website, but the system in the Vatican, as it now stands, has only multi-lingual nuns at the answering stations, and it might be easier to ordain the nuns than go out and find priests to answer E-mail. The issue is being discussed
Ella V
